


Ritual

by orphan_account



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Blood, Cutting, Dark, Depression, Gen, Rituals, Sad, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-18
Updated: 2012-10-18
Packaged: 2017-11-16 13:34:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/539990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony knows where he'll be when it's 7:30. The same place he is every night he fails as a human being.</p><p>***Please, please, please heed archive warnings. Not a happy fic.***</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ritual

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Tony winces as the blade sliced into his forearm again. Blood immediately beads to the surface., crimson against his olive skin. He adjusts his grip on the razor and lifts it to cut another mark, continuing until he has made his way up from wrist to the crook of his arm. It hurts.

Logically, he knows that cutting himself isn't going to solve anything. It never does. It helped as much as drinking. But, as with the alcohol, it was too late to stop now.

Every day Tony waits until the clock reads 7:30. He grabs his StarkPad and his razor and slinks silently off to one of his private work rooms, avoiding running into any of the other Avengers at all costs. He manually locks the door with a key he keeps in his wallet. The only room in the house that is hand-operated operated. To avoid being walked in on. The room is sparse: garbage can, carpet, a med kit filled with antiseptic, cotton balls, and bandages. He sits against the back wall and opens a blank document on his tablet and fills it with lists of everything he did wrong that day, or week, or year, depending on how hard on himself he feels he needs to be.

A cut for arguing with Clint.

A cut for missing a meeting with Pepper.

Cuts for killing people with his tech and weapons.

Cuts for Phil dying.

And endless cuts for being a failure overall. For hurting people and getting away with it. For the pain of still missing his mother. Cuts for cutting.

Tony looks down at his work, slashes that cover his arms and legs. Lines, precise and measured. Deep enough to bleed, shallow enough for minimal scarring. They were deliberate choices. Each and every one of them.

Finished for the evening, Tony reaches for the hydrogen peroxide and cotton balls. Stinging pain lances up his left arm as blood and skin froth from the antiseptic poured over his wounds. Tony is always careful to dab each gash dry before wrapping his entire arm in clean white bandages. Once finished with clinical necessities, Tony discards the bloody razor and cotton into the biohazard garbage bin and tugs his sleeve down over his arm. He uses his other sleeve to wipe the snot and tears from his face. He locks the door behind him when he finally leaves.

It's just his luck that Steve joins him on the elevator on his way back up to his floor. Steve was more observant than people gave him credit for.

They ride in silence until Steve asks, “Are you ok Tony?” 

“Of course I am, Steve. Why wouldn't I be?” 

He plasters on a dazzling hundred watt smile. 

Steve doesn't buy it.

“Well, I'm asking because there's blood seeping through your shirt sleeve.”

Steve points at a spot where the red has saturated through the bandage; he looks at Tony with genuine concern. When he gets no response, Steve hits the stop button.

Tony sighs. “It's fine. Really. Just leave it alone.”

“Is there something going on? You know you can talk to me, Tony.”

He actually looks pretty concerned.

“It's none of your business!” he yells, clutching his left arm to his body protectively. “So stay out of it!”

He punches the stop button again. Though Steve looks as though he wants to press the issue, he refrains from doing so. Steve gets out on his floor with an upset look on his face. Tony rides the rest of the way up by himself.

Arguing with Steve.

Another cut.

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End file.
